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To Protect, But Not Overprotect Following the third grade Chanukah concert in Religious School, the educator was so impressed with the performance that she announced to the school, "I think this is the best Chanukah concert I have ever heard." The next day, the parent of a fourth grader came to complain. "My son was in the concert last year, and you really hurt his feelings by saying this year's was the best." A first grade teacher in an excellent suburban public school could not wait until the year ended. Why? More than ever, parents were regularly complaining to her and to her principal that 1st grade was not academically challenging enough for their gifted children. This experienced teacher had not altered her lessons from the previous year. These troubling stories are just the tip of the iceberg. They illustrate a major issue for parents today. The fallout will be felt by our children as they grow. We tend to over protect our children. Certainly parents have been concerned about their children for generations, but many issues in contemporary society have created situations where parents overindulge their children. Some parents respond to their own strict upbringing by trying to give their children more freedom. Others are juggling two careers, childcare, and creating a household, while striving to provide "the best" for their children. Admittedly, new risks have arisen, such as it not being safe for young children to walk to school without an adult anymore. Generally, the Jewish community is comfortable and at home in America. Many Jewish families live in affluent suburbs or in protected pockets of cities. In The Blessing of A Skinned Knee, Wendy Mogel teaches that Judaism has a rich philosophy of parenting that can help us rear well adjusted, compassionate, independent children within our changing world. Mogel discusses the Talmudic statement that a father is obligated to teach his son to swim (Babylonian Talmud, Kiddushin 29a). She interprets this obligation both literally and figuratively. As parents, we must give our children concrete skills to survive in the world. Yet also, we must give them the freedom and opportunity to struggle, explore, and venture out on their own. Learning to swim is frightening. A slip into the pool, or a mouthful of water, can feel like one is drowning. Even though an adult is near by, the fear of drowning is real. Our instinct is to protect our children form these experiences. One cannot learn to swim without some fear and discomfort. Our society has created a generation of parents who want to shield their children from all pain and anxiety. Without the opportunity to experience painful situations and relationships, children cannot develop the tools necessary to be productive and giving members of society. Jewish teaching emphasizes that we as parents must impart our knowledge and experience to our children. Ultimately, however, our children's lives are their own. They are simply lent to us for a brief time. We must protect them, but not overprotect them. Parents should strive to help their children respond appropriately to different situations. If a child's feelings are hurt, it is important that the child learns to respond and react on his or her own. First grade may be too academically easy for many children. In a classroom situation a child can learn the more important lessons of how to deal with different learners, authority, perhaps even boredom. Parents should encourage independent responses and relationships at school with teachers and others, without interfering and hampering the development of these most crucial skills. Our children are curious and capable. They must also learn how to be flexible and resilient. Children learn as much from how we protect them as they may learn from the actual situations they encounter. We must provide perspective and encouragement along with the appropriate amount of defense. If we can let go of our children and let them live their lives, we will be giving them our most significant blessings of freedom, compassion, and independence.
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